The Universe Might Hate You

I haven’t posted for a while because I’ve been rewriting a previously published novel by changing one character to a vampire.  I’m assuming vamps will be around for a while longer.   Zombies are big these days,  but vampires are, after all, immortal. 

The character I’m changing became a vampire by accident, as far as she knows. And as far as I know. There may be a reason she was changed in the next book or two of the series:  A little light vengeance for ruining what would have been a gourmet family feast,  maybe a sly move in a complicated conspiracy to take over San Francisco, or maybe a more personal motive — the woman is hot and sexy, whether slaying demons or having a quiet beer, but would not be inclined to have warm and fuzzy feelings for a vicious, greedy, blood thirsty creature of the night, no matter how hot and sexy he or she might be . Or,  maybe it was only an accident.

She didn’t want to be a vampire.  Didn’t even know they existed until two minutes before she became one. She has nobody to teach her how to be a vamp —  a couple of friends who’d give up some blood for her, but have no knowledge of the undead except cliché’s  gleaned from  movies and a zillion vampire novels.  She cursed the Universe at her fate.  “Why me? Why not one of the 7 billion other people on the planet. Why screw with my life that maybe wasn’t so great, but at least it was mine and I could go to the grocery store at noon if I wanted, and though I’m not that big on the chamber of commerce brochure natural world (she has plenty of exposure to the  unnatural world)  I did like to sit on the dock on the bay on a sunny afternoon?”  (Change is hard, even when it’s good) The universe didn’t answer her perfectly logical question because the universe doesn’t care about her.

Though it’s not much solace, the universe isn’t  just indifferent to her, it doesn’t care about anybody.    Among billions  of galaxies and trillions of stars what  happens on a little rock in a mundane pin prick of space means nothing.  What’s it to the universe that she got made a vampire? Nothing. A seven billion to one chance that something will happen to somebody is pretty slim odds, but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. In the greater universe that may be even odds.  She may hate the Universe for what happened to her, but the Universe doesn’t hate her, it just doesn’t care.  But should it?


What if, like that doomed tropical rainforest butterfly,  this woman being turned into a vampire does affect the well-being or life of the universe? Maybe she, not knowing what she’s doing, inadvertently turns a brilliant scientist into a vamp, as happened to her, and  that scientist uses his or her vamp abilities, such as stamina, speed, and not having to stop for lunch breaks, to invent a way for humans to gain the stars,  not just a few neighborly planets but the STARS. And we all know what will happen if humans  go into space. They’ll stick their noses in where they don’t belong, try to control all the real estate, even if somebody else owns it, fight, procreate, and leave a trail of litter from Earth to the Crab Nebula and beyond. Any one of those activities could trigger the premature end of the universe as we know it. Maybe the Universe should hate us?

What if the Universe is sentient? And in trouble? Maybe, like above, that scientist is turned because big U wants us out there. Wants us to populate and pollinate like a swarm of bees with too many Queens looking for a hive of their own. Unfortunately, maybe we turn out to be the Africanized version of bees and the Universe that loved us and helped us realizes we’re making a dangerous nuisance of ourselves and becomes afraid of us, making the jump to hate all too easy and has to break out that big smoke pot to put us all to sleep, permanently. Of course being human, some will survive. 

What if you had a Pollyanna point of view and thought there would be a happy ending to the above idea.  With odds of, by then, 100 billion to one, it could happen.

What if the Universe, in this case all the sentient beings in the space known as the Universe, hated you. Not humans in general, (that’s another story) but you.    Maybe you were conducting geological scientific experiments on the planet Honee, the home, and only, planet of the Honees, a well-respected religious Peoples with a calming influence throughout all space.  And the planet explodes. And you are the only survivor. And they blame you.  And peace in the Universe begins to break down as the Honee influence wans. And then all the civilizations, and governments and individuals hate you for what you’ve done. And want to kill you. What do you do? As the most hated person in known and unknown space, run and hide would be your first move. Then what? You are innocent, afterall. Continue to hide in fear untill one of a thousand assassins finally takes you out?  Or find out who is really to blame and why, then go out  and clear your name?

No matter what the universe feels about me, love, hate, indifference, I have to go and convince my character that the Universe doesn’t hate her. Though it might.

Vamps in Hell?

In my last post I asked for thoughts on what the “Rules” would be for vampires in Hell. I got a couple interesting responses, but now that I’m actually writing, well revising, the story that has vampires in Hell I’d like more ideas. Come on, what’s your first thought? If you were a vampire and visited Hell, for work, not pleasure, what do you think the obstacles, or advantages would be?

In Blood Justice, which will be out on Oct. 1, the vamps have about a half hour max of sun light before they’re dust.  There’s no sun down there so can a Vamp walk around “Outside” with impunity?  And what about here in Life? It’s pretty well accepted that they can’t go into the sunshine. Is that because the ultraviolet rays destabalize certain chemicals in the skin which react with the new vamp enzymes which which makes the blood flammable? Or is it because they spend so much time in the dark they lose the protective melanane in their skin and they die of a bad sunburn? What if they went outside for maybe ten minutes at a time and got a nice tan. Would that help? If vampires ever come out of the closet maybe an entrepeneur could set up Vampire tanning salons. Just think, Vamps in the Sun Tanning Salons,  open 24 hours. A million dollar idea if ever there was one.

What if a vampire wanted to enter your house but you didn’t invite him or her in? What would happen if they tried? Would they hit a force field that might shock them with a spray of supernatural sparks? Maybe a force field that was just – there. Maybe they could enter anyway, but within say, a minute, they grow weak, drop to their knees,  and are unable to move, at the mercy of you. But enough time to attack you and crawl back out the door. Don’t stand too close to that door when the vamps come knocking! Maybe if they enter without permission they become sick; cramps, pain, vomiting and other ways of discharging various bodily fluids, until they disintegrate into a gooey mass, or, if you live in Buffy world, an instant pile of dust. I’m told that the movie, Let The Last One In, has the answer. I haven’t seen it yet, though it’s high on my list.

So if a vampire went to Hell on purpose to do a good deed, it could happen, would Hell consider him or her as a human or a soul, or an other? I say Vampires should be considered human, not some undead beasts. They act in their own self interest and don’t give a damn about anybody else or the consequences of their actions. What could be more human than that?


What if you die and awaken as a vampire. You’re dead. Your soul has gone to Heaven because you were a good person. So, you have no soul, but you’re still up and walking round and thinking. You should be able to come and go to Hell or Heaven as you please. Therefore, you’d be the perfect person to go either place and gather information about crimes from the dead bad guys in Hell or dead good guy witnesses in Heaven.  Maybe in the near future such information and testimoney would be accepted by the courts. You’d work for the Dead Witness Information and Testimony (DWIT) division of the US Marshell’s office. If you went up to Heaven maybe you could have a chat with your’ own soul. Maybe work with yourself.  Good pay, travel to exotic places, meet interesting beings, and as long as you didn’t get your head cut off, long term employment. What a deal.

What if a vampire used  the no entry without an invite rule to commit a murder. I don’t have it worked out yet, but maybe there’s  something like a flexible force field (think ballon)  at the door. A vamp can push into the field, stretching it into the house.   The victim comes to the door, sees who is, says no entry and backs away. The vamp pushes in, grabs the victim and breaks his neck. The field forces him out of the house, it also keeps him from touching th floor. The carpet on the floor has just been vacumed. The victim is found in the middle of a freshly vacumed carpet with no footprints on it. Sort of a locked door mystery. I’ll let you figure out how the hero Detective figures out how it was done.