Vamps in Space!

First, a shameless plug… hustle… ah, notice of importance. My novel Hell Cop is now available in print from Amazon.

I’ve been thinking lately (always good to try something new) about what happens to vampires in space. Why am I thinking about that, you ask. And you should ask, because who the hell thinks, or cares, about the physiological effects of space on vampires? Except for Vampires and those who want to round them up, send them up and Good-fracking-bye paleface bloodsuckers.

It all began a long time ago, but never mind that. What matters is that I recently sent off the sequel to my novel Blood Justice — tentatively titled Blood on the Water.  So, fool, glutton for punishment, and/or masochist that I am, I’m already thinking about the next book in the series. There has to be a next book because two isn’t a series — it’s a couple of books looking for a third for gin rummy, a night of kinky pleasure, or maybe just a chaperon. I already have an idea for that all important third; but what about the next and next and next? If you keep going far enough you have to go up to space or down to Hell.

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Hell — been there — the Hell Cop almost series (2 1/4 and counting) — and plan to go again, but vamps have to go up. So what are the rules up there? Think a space station, inside and out, no suit.

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No air – No problem. Vampires don’t need to breathe, except to talk. Though if one got shoved out an airlock they could beat on the door all they wanted but would certainly prove the truth of the  phrase – “In space, nobody can hear you scream.” (Thank you, James Cameron)

spacepic2Vacuum – Problem, sort of. Explosive decompression will do to vamps what it did to all those mortals in all those B Sci-Fi movies when their helmets got cracked – Phump, all nasty inside the faceplate. However, slow decompression they can handle, though not without a lot of grimacing and uncomfortableness  in the nether regions. Their quick healing can counteract all that cell and gas (yes they have gas, too) expansion.

Cold –  Even the toughest already dead vampire will be a stone-cold vamp way before getting close to absolute zero (0° K, 273.15°c,459.67° F) By -50°c, they’re getting creaky. By -100° C they’re barely able to move. Below that for any  time and they’re likely to be stone dead and not coming back a third time. Even vampire healing can only go so far. Although that might depend on whether they’re a good guy or bad guy and the state of alien technology . (See below)

Heat — For you, much time over 115° and you’re done. Vampires, 130-140° and their super repair faculty can’t keep up with the damage.  From vamp to mummy real quick.mummies1

Sun — Big Problem. We (unless you’re a hard core Buffy buff) all know that a Vampire has a maximum 30 minutes in the sun until they’re ash and dust. At 15 minutes they are praying for the immolation agony to be over. That’s on Earth where they get some shielding from the atmosphere. In space — 15 minutes max and they’re dust in the solar wind. No repairs. No redos.

spacesuit1With a proper space suit (a mortal one will do) they would be good to go for a long time. That sounds good until you get kicked out an air lock and are flung out into space to drift to the next star. You’d get mighty lonely floating out there for years, ravaged by a Blood Hunger that can never be fulfilled.


What if a vampire was ejected, intentionally or accidentally, into space for decades or years or even a really long time and was picked up by some aliens and rejuvenated, reconstituted, reanimated, revived, or whatever. What would they think? What would he or she think? What if the aliens were at war with some nasty invaders — like humans? Who would the vamp fight for? What would humans be/look like by that time? Would the long lost vampire finally find romance in an alien war?

What if  a vampire was a security chief on a huge Ark ship on the way to ____? He would have to solve murders, find stolen goods, locate missing people (whether they wanted to be missing or not) in a sort of Hardboiled/Spock/Sherlock H. kind of way. But who would be Watson?

What if the Earth was invaded by aliens and they were winning. There was one last escape ship ready to go with lots of important people — scientists, engineers, women, children on board. No vampires allowed – they’re being blamed for the invasion. The last group (the ones who know how to run the ship and where to go once they get away) race toward the ship. A group of vamps want to escape, too, and they know that one of the last group is an agent for the aliens. Would they be able to stop him/her from boarding? Of course not. So, how do they get onboard and find the spy before the Ark ship is blown up or captured, the humans enslaved, tortured or eaten? Whew!


Makes me hungry just thinking about it. And thinking about eating, unlike zombies, not all vampires are bad. And you don’t have to be an immortal dead to read about some. Go HERE at vamp speed, not zombie speed, and check it out. In the UK go HERE.

Pleasant dreams.

Space is the Place 1

Space,  the final frontier and all that jazz.  I’m talking outer space here, though the inner space, and workings,  of the human brain are as, or more, complex than getting out into outer space. And likely to get more complex (read fucked up) once we get out there and experience the unique problems and minor  challenges, like vast distances, no air, and new species, waiting for us.

But first, assuming the political enlightenment to work together for mankind, (I know, Science Fiction at its most unbelievable) we have to get up there.  I like the Space Elevator idea. A tether from the equator to a Station in geosynchronous orbit balanced by a counterweight at the far end. You step in at the Earth end, push the Lobby  button and zip, there you are in space. Get your transfer punched and board the shuttle bus to the Moon. The tether would have to be pretty strong, probably made of Jupitureon Cloud Spider silk mixed in with Kevlar and  Bucky Balls all wrapped up with duct tape.  I’ve mentioned this before, but Diet Smith had it all figured out back in the 50s with his transports propelled by magnetic fields. Maybe we’ll have robot Scotties. You step on a pad, say the magic words, “Beam me up, Scotty,” and he will.

Magic might work.  Might be a well-paying gig to be a Transport Sorcerer. They might cast a protective spell on you, using eye of Martian Newt,  hair of Uranian dog, and crushed petals from the sunny side of a Venusian equatorial *^#@$^& flower.  A few indecipherable words and zip, you’re in space. Hopefully the Sorcerer didn’t drink too much of his own brew the night before. You want to materialize on a space station or ship, not, you know, anywhere else.

Once you’re in Space it’s a long way to ANYWHERE.  There are plenty of ways to get around. The old reliable FTL, Wormholes, Jumping across folded space, Jumping through Dimensional Space, Hyperspace, Powered by rare Crystals found only on a single uncharted planet owned by a greedy, power-mad Industrialist, or Colony Sleeper ships, among others. I have an idea about those later. Don’t forget those magnetic fields.

Magic might be your ticket to a bright future. Take a certified Online class and in only a few short months you could make good money as a Sorcerer Power Engineer, if you were strong enough to command the power of the universe to scoot your ship through space.  Of course that wouldn’t do any good without a Sorcerer (or Witch) Navigator to scry for your position and final (?) destination. See the class schedule on our website.

Speaking of final destinations, there are lots of ways to die in space. But with all that vastness, there’s plenty of room for weirdness. Sure, plenty of death will be plain old Death, unfortunately, not always pleasant. We’ll have to live with it.  Surely, other types of Death, and Life, will be found, both horrifying and enlightening, action packed or boring, tragic or happy.


What if instead of packing a zillion people into a colony sleeper ship en route to Planet Delta 6 and hoping they all slept in their pods through the ____ year journey and that the computers actually woke them up like they planned, they had vampires as caretakers.  They’d be awake all the time to take care of the minor maintenance  problems that would inevitably pop up. They could sample  cups of blood from each colonist to survive. Maybe Master Blood blenders would emerge, producing prize-winning vintages. Maybe a vampire or two would become jealous and murder one of the colonists who provided a unique blood type. Would the vampires waken a human detective to solve the crime with a hot vampire (male or female) assistant?

What if you woke up in a non-vampire attended Colony Ship and you couldn’t wake up any other sleeper? You’d definitely be a candidate for the Lonely Hearts Club.  OR, what if the only person you could wake up to help fix the looming disaster threatening not only the colonist’s  lives but the very survival of all mankind, was an unrepentant serial killer you had helped capture. Anybody know where Hannibal Lecter is?

What if in order to anchor the Space Elevator you had to dig so deep you inadvertently broke into a  passage to Hell, and didn’t know it? But the Demons did?  Would they inhabit the elevator? Use it to commandeer the Space Station? For what purpose? Would it take Magic or Science to take back the Station? Maybe the Station is damaged and can’t hold air so the humans make a deal with the demons, vampires or aliens to run the place for us.

What If you lived on a huge Space Station. Like any place there are the people who live in the upper neighborhoods and the ones who drop out for one reason or another and live in the lower rent regions. What if someone up there lost something valuable, station survival related, or incriminating, and somehow it ended up down where you live. And you found it. And then the one who lost it comes looking. And then others who would like/need to find it first came looking. What would you do? Who would you give it to? Or would you use it for your own nefarious/ virtuous ends? A rent free apartment with a view, save a loved one, justice, revenge?

No matter where you go, beyond Earth, beyond the Galaxy, past the Rim or the edge of the known/unknown Universe, there’ll always be heroes and villans and people to tell their stories. I’m going there now.